Dreams for my children

The other night, when MaryBeth and Scott were over, we were talking about what we would do if our children grew up to be gay. While we all agreed that we would love and support our children regardless of their sexual orientation, we expressed the feeling that it is not necessarily what we would want for them, as it can often be a harder, more adversity-filled life. That said, their sexual orientation is pretty low down on my list of things to worry about for them. I can think of a whole list of things I'd rather my kids not be. These include religious zealot, Republican, member of the U.S. armed forces, product liability attorney, used-car salesperson, divorcee...

I have so many dreams for my children and their futures, and it is hard to realize that one day they will really be adults, with their own preferences, interests and wills. And, while I can try my best to steer them clear of certain things, they will be who they are meant to be, and it will be my job to love them and support them no matter what.

A good day

it had all the trappings of a not so good one...rain predicted for the entire day, not a single outing or playdate prearranged, me and the girls inside. all. day. long.

Really, in light of my other post, I was not looking forward to the start of my days off this week. Especially when I saw that we're expecting three straight days of rain.

But, actually, yesterday turned out to be a good day, after all. For one thing, I got up a bit earlier and motored around and took care of the household chores that I'm usually trying to fit in during my time with the girls. This saved me from getting frustrated when they invariably pull me away from them. I decided that my attitude about the entire day was that it was my full-time job to hang out with and play with them, and if I managed to get in any time for myself, great, but not to expect it.

Next, Sadie and I struck a deal in the morning...no yelling (me), no crying and whining (her). We each only had to remind eachother to hold up our respective ends of the bargain once or twice throughout the day.

Finally, in spite of not having planned anything beforehand, I did manage to keep us busy, which helps. In the morning, we went to Petco to buy live crickets for Sadie's newest pets (toads). We ended up spending the better part of an hour there, looking at all of the creatures (note to self: pet stores are great rainy day activities). Then, we went to Target and picked out a some craft stuff for Sadie (glitter glue, and a jewelry beading kit). After that, I took them out to lunch (where else? Applebees!) and then it was time to get Eden home for her nap.

Eden slept for 2 1/2 hours, and during that time, Sadie and I made some cool jewelry with her new kit and read some stories.

When Eden got up, we had a tea party with all of their dollies (oh, my other sanity-saver was to just stop giving a rip how messy the house gets during the day. So, yeah, the living room looked like a bomb went off when Evan got home, but at least he came home to a happy family).

When Evan got hme (around 3:30), I took some time for myself and went to the gym. I need to be more assertive about this, because just having an hour break, all to myself, really does wonders for my mood. Got home around 4:45 and got dinner together. After dinner, Evan took Sadie out on her bicycle while I got Eden ready for bed.

All in all, it was a good day, and I didn't feel completely spent and frustrated and resentful by the end of it. I'm going to try to repeat the same for today, so this is the last I'll be online today, as I hear some little ones starting to stir. Hasta manana!

I'm Back

Well, I wasn't ever actually away, but I've spent the past several days playing a stay-at-home mom, and let me tell you - there's no time for eating bonbons, let alone blogging. It has been an interesting summer so far, doing this stay at home thing. On the one hand, I'm really glad we're doing it, because it keeps Sadie out of camp (which she hated) and gives me more time with both of them. It also lets me enjoy the summers (somewhat) in the same way I did as a kid...waking up, getting stuff together and hitting the beach every day.

On the other hand, though, I have to say, it has been hard. Really hard. It has confirmed what I always suspected about myself--I'm not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I love my children with everything I have, and I enjoy spending one on one time with them quite a lot. However, I really struggle when it is the two of them. They bicker and fight and there's always someone crying and I spend a lot of my time referreeing and, sadly, yelling. I have always prided myself on my ability to parent calmly, and to really enjoy the time I spend with them. I now realize that it is a piece of cake to be calm and enjoy them when your time with them is limited. The real test of one's mettle as a parent is spending 15 hours of nonstop 'togetherness' (my day yesterday).

Yesterday, we got home from the beach and I needed to pour myself a glass of wine before dinner. I really didn't like the person I was toward them. :( And, I wonder if I'm really doing them any favors by keeping them with me, after all. I think, for me, this feeling is compounded by the fact that not only am I with them for the entire time Evan is at work, but as soon as he gets home, he's off doing something (yesterday was yard work), so it is really all falling on me.

That's not to say that there haven't been a lot of fun times, as well, but somehow, it isn't the fun times that keep you up at night thinking about.

Anyway, my hat is off to all of the SAHMs and SAHDs who do it day in day out, all year long.

Efficient Parenting

On Sunday, we spent some time with friends of ours--S and L-- who have two little ones (almost three and just turned a year). It was quite an experience. They were so tense and stressed out the entire time. Evan and I were both struck by a few things about them and their parenting style. For one, they force those kids to conform to their lifestyle/schedule (they don't plan for naps, have no problem making plans to be somewhere at a time when one or both of them is likely to need to be napping) and the result is that the kids are miserable and crying and exhausted. I just don't understand why they do that to them and to themselves? I mean, I don't necessarily advocate being a slave to the nap schedule (although, I was when Sadie was an only), but it seems irresponsible and unfair to just not really consider that the kids have needs.

But, the big thing that we noticed was that S and L don't seem to have established any sort of method of effiency with their parenting tasks. I am not exaggerating when I say that from the time they arrived at our house, until we were actually sitting on the sand, it took almost an hour (we live 5 minutes from the beach). Rather than wait to change the kids into swimsuits and swim diapers once we got there, they decided to change them into their bathing suits at our house, then wait until we got to the beach to put them into their swim diapers. I couldn't understand why they would put them through the changing process twice.

Then, when it was time to go, it took over an hour from the time they started up to the locker/shower until they were ready to get in the car.

Ok, so since I go all the time with the girls, I have gotten a good routine down and can be off the beach, all of us showered and dressed and ready for the car in about 20 minutes, but still. Even without an established routine, there were just some obvious things they could have done to save time and energy. For instance...I don't understand why L had to shower each of the kids separately, then shower herself, while S more or less stood around waiting for his turn to shower. When I am alone with the girls, I take both of them in with me, dress myself, then dress them. When Evan joins us, I still take them both in with me, and then hand Eden out to him to dress while I attend to Sadie and get myself dressed. Makes sense, doesn't it?

I guess I'm probably just coming across as smug and judgemental, but really...I feel bad for them that they seem so wiped out and overwhelmed with parenting their kids. Seems like they could make some small changes that would make life easier/more pleasant for all of them. Oh, did I mention that they're planning to start on baby #3 this year? God help us all!

Revelation

Sadie and Evan were both sick for most of the weekend, so I had a lot of alone time with Eden. And, I've come to a revelation. I've been thinking for a while that Eden is in a really active and difficult to parent phase, and that is why it has been hard to be with both of them. Because I've had the opportunity to do things alone with Sadie, and they've been really easy and pleasant, I've been blaming Eden for my overwhelmedness (is that a word) when the three of of us go anywhere ("it is just hard now because Eden is into everything...").

Spending the days with her alone at the beach was a pleasure. She is easy and happy and not difficult to manage at all. She can sit and amuse herself with the sand toys for ages. I'm realizing that each of them is at their best when they have me to themselves, and that what is hard and overwhelming for me is simply the act of parenting two children who are competing for my attention. I feel so bad that I've haven't been able to recognize that. I think that I've been so focused on making sure that Sadie doesn't feel 'displaced' by her little sister, that I haven't really tuned in to the fact that Eden needs my undivided attention, too.

I've been sending Eden to the sitter's house one day a week so that I can have a day alone with Sadie. I'm going to start figuring out how to fit in more one on one time with Eden, as well.

You know you're a parent when...(beach edition)

You so very diligently apply sunscreen to every square inch of your child's body and forget to get your own damn self.

You pack enough nutritious snacks and juice boxes to keep the kids eating continuously from the time you get to the beach until the time you leave, and forget to bring a bottle of water for yourself.

You willingly go running into the water, even though you just put your shorts on over your suit, to rescue "my favorite" sand toy from the surf that has just snatched it and is about to send it to Bermuda.

You play endless games of paddle ball with a four year old who, for the life of her, can't manage to hit the damn ball back to you. even. one. stinking. time.

Seeing a pattern here????

This is Obnoxious, Right?

So, some of the neighborhood kids use our backyard as a cut-through from the school bus stop to neighborhoods...somewhere on the other side of our house. No biggie. I don't love it, but I can live with it. Until we moved in last year, our house was the 'lemon' in the neighborhood, and sat vacant for months and the backyard is still a disaster, so I could see why it is the obvious choice for a shortcut.

Well, this morning, I looked out the kitchen window and saw, not only a kid cutting through, but HIS MOTHER was with him. And then, five minutes later, after the bus picked up the waiting lot, the mother walked back through our yard. Tell me I'm not overreacting...that is totally inappropriate, right? An adult should have enough common sense and courtesy to not walk through other people's property...shouldn't they?

Also, as an aside...anyone have suggestions for preventing kids from walking through the yard? As I said, I don't care much right now, but we're going to be leveling and seeding the yard, and footsteps will not be welcome then. No budget (or desire) for a fence. Thoughts?

The Ride

A coworker asked me yesterday "where's your car?" as he saw me wheeling my bike out of the office. When I told him it was at home, he then asked "so...you're just riding to work for the fun of it?" This is a guy (kid, really) who is 24, not married, no kids...so I just said "yeah, just for the fun of it" rather than try to explain what that glorious 25 minute bike ride home from work means to me.

The minute I am out of the office door and on the bike, I enter some sort of limbo state, wherein, I'm no longer a worker bee, answering to anyone, and not yet again a Mama...answering to everyone.

As I cruise across campus headed toward Larchwood Ave., I can feel all of the thoughts about deadlines, or annoying faculty members, or pesky code that I just can't quite get right just sort of melt away.

On Larchwood, I focus on the feeling of my legs working, warming up. On my breathing. On the sound of the wind rushing past my ears. I look at the enormous houses, each one a little grander than the next and the perfectly-manicured lawns. I notice the 'Rainbow Direct' playscapes in the backyards, that largely remain untouched by the youngest inhabitants of these McMansions.

Turning onto Berger Ave., my nostrils are filled with the supersweet scent of the blooming trees and bushes. I am warmed up by now, and the ride is just so enjoyable.

I reach Norwood Ave., and marvel, as I do almost each time I pass through, at what a strange place it is. A bizarre mix of Beverly Hills and Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. High end boutiques line the streets, interspersed with Kosher restaurants, and these ultra-hip, frummers
pop in and out of their double-parked, idling, BMWs and Escalades like busy squirrels on an autumn day. This stretch of ride is the least relaxed, for me, as I'm constantly aware of the possibility of a car door opening or a cell-phone gabbing driver not noticing me.

When I at last turn off the busy street and back onto the quiet side streets, I let myself relax once again. I wind through the quieter, back streets and admire the Spanish-style architecture that dominates the landscape. Again, the sweet smell of springtime blossoming greets me, though this time it is almost overpowering.

As I cruise through downtown Allenhurst, I think about the sense of community that I have to this place, even though we have only lived here a year. I pass by the art gallery that my neighbor owns, and the salon where my sister-in-law works and the coffee and pastry shop that has become our 'go to' place for treats. I look to the left and take a last look at the ocean, two blocks down, before turning westward, for the final stretch of the ride.

Winding through the ultra-quiet streets that hug the lake, I spot a number of pairs of geese doing their goose thing. The chirping of the birds is more noticeable now that there are no other noises to disguise them.

I make the last turn and can see our home. I cross Wickapecko and the neighborhood, in an instant, becomes more modest.

As I turn up our driveway, I see two little faces peering out the window. The little one, not yet articulate enough to announce my arrival, is waving her hands and shrieking. I can read the lips of the bigger one..."Mama's home! Mama's home!" The joy in their faces is palpable. The joy in my heart is indescribable.

Mama's home. Indeed.

So, I did a Bad Thing

I mentioned in an earlier post how Sadie has been crying at drop-off in the mornings. This just started a couple of weeks ago. I have spoken with her teacher about it, and she has assured me that she stops moments after I leave, and that she has a great day. We both feel that Sadie has just gotten into a routine with it.

So, I had told Sadie that when she cried, it made me feel really bad, and that even though she stops crying as soon as I'm gone, I don't know that, and it makes me feel sad all day long. I told her that if she couldn't stop crying at drop-off, I wasn't going to do it (drop her off) anymore. I told her that her grandmother (who teaches at her school) would pick her up and take her to school. Sadie immediately said "ok, ok...I won't cry anymore", so I really thought it was going to work.

Well, yesterday morning on the way to school, I reminded her that this was the morning for her to show me that she could be a big girl and not cry. She agreed. Well, the second we stepped through the threshold to her classroom, she burst into tears. On top of her usual "I want you to stay with me" mantra, she added "I don't want Grammy to drive me to school". She was soooo upset. Obviously, I made it worse. So, I assured her that I would continue to drive her to school (I know, probably bad to not keep to my original word, but I just felt bad).

This morning, when she was brushing her teeth, she asked if Grammy was going to pick her up. I told her no, that I would drive her. She said "I didn't want to cry yesterday, I tried really hard, I just couldn't help it." I told her that it was wrong of me to make that threat, and that if she felt like she needed to cry, then so be it. I would still drive her to school every day.

So...we get to school and the drop-off was tears-free, for the first time in two weeks. I cannot, for the life of me, figure that kid out sometimes.

Sleep is the New Sex

Did anyone else see the article in the NYT about reluctant cosleeping?

http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F40A13F8345A0C728CDDAA0894DF404482


I have so many issues with the parents in that article...my biggest one being that they are either a: too afraid to actually say no to their children or b: too lazy to do the hard work of parenting (setting boundaries and sticking to them, in spite of the protests). It is not that I am against cosleeping. If you want to do it and it works for you, then I'm all for it (for the record, it we don't want to do it and it wouldn't work for us!). But I am against parents who fall into it simply because their children demand it, even though it clearly isn't working for the parents.

Anyway, you can read the article yourself. I did just love one line in there..."sleep is the new sex."